Talking to Your Family About Being Extorted

Talking to Your Family About Being Extorted

A guide for navigating one of the hardest conversations you may ever have

You Are Not Alone in This Fear

If you’re reading this page, you’re probably terrified of telling your family what’s happening to you. Maybe you’ve been lying awake at night, imagining their faces—the disappointment, the anger, the shame. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that keeping this secret is protecting them.

We understand. For many South Asian families, certain topics feel impossible to discuss. The weight of izzat (honor), the fear of judgment, the worry about what others will think—these are real pressures that shape our lives.

But here’s what we’ve learned from hundreds of extortion cases: isolation is the extortionist’s most powerful weapon. The shame you feel? They’re counting on it. The silence you’re keeping? It’s exactly what they want.

This page won’t tell you that talking to your family will be easy. It might be the hardest conversation of your life. But it might also be the thing that saves you.

Why Telling Family Matters

Breaking the Isolation

Extortionists thrive on your silence. They know that as long as you’re alone with this secret, you’re vulnerable. Every threat they make assumes you’ll never tell anyone. When you bring even one trusted person into your situation, you fundamentally change that equation.

Having someone who knows means:

• You don’t have to carry this weight alone
• Someone can help you think clearly when you’re panicking
• You have a witness if things escalate
• The extortionist’s power over you diminishes

Practical Support You May Need

Beyond emotional support, there may be practical reasons you need family help:

• Financial: If you’ve already paid money or are being pressured to pay, family may need to help secure accounts or provide emergency funds
• Safety: If threats involve physical harm, family can help with safety planning
• Technology: Parents or siblings may need to adjust privacy settings, monitor accounts, or help document threats
• Legal: Reporting to police or lawyers may require family involvement, especially for minors

Your Mental Health

Carrying this secret is exhausting. The constant fear, the lies to cover your stress, the isolation—it takes a devastating toll. Many extortion victims experience anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. Having family support can literally be life-saving.

If you’re having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please reach out immediately:

• Crisis Centre BC: 1-800-784-2433 (24/7)
• Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 686868

Addressing Shame and Stigma

Understanding “Izzat” (Honor)

In South Asian cultures, family honor—izzat—is deeply important. It shapes how we present ourselves to the community, how we make decisions, and often, what we feel we can and cannot discuss.

Many victims stay silent because they believe:

• “This will bring shame on my family”
• “My parents will never look at me the same way”
• “If the community finds out, we’ll be ostracized”
• “I’ve ruined everything”

These fears are understandable. They come from a real cultural context. But they’re also based on a fundamental misunderstanding.

Why the Shame Is Misplaced

You are the victim of a crime.

Let’s be absolutely clear: The person who should feel shame is the criminal extorting you—not you.

Extortionists deliberately target people through:

• Fake romantic interest and manipulation
• Hacking and unauthorized access
• Threats and psychological abuse
• Exploitation of trust

None of this is your fault. Even if you shared something private with someone you trusted, even if you made a decision you regret—you did not consent to being blackmailed. The criminal made a choice to harm you. That’s on them.

Reframing the Situation

When you think about telling your family, try reframing:

The Truth About Family Love

In our experience, most families ultimately rally around their loved ones. Yes, there may be an initial shock. Yes, some parents may react with anger first. But beneath that reaction is almost always fear and love—fear for your safety, love that wants to protect you.

Many parents have told us: “I wish they had told me sooner. I would have done anything to help them.”

Your family’s love for you is stronger than their concern about what neighbors might think. Give them the chance to show you that.

Who to Tell First

It Doesn’t Have to Be Your Parents

Many people assume they must tell their parents first. But if your relationship with your parents is complicated, or if you think they’ll react with anger before support, consider starting with someone else:

Possible first confidants:

• An older sibling who you trust
• An aunt or uncle who has always been understanding
• An older cousin who feels more like a friend
• A grandparent who has shown unconditional love
• A family friend who is like family

Choosing the Right Person

Ask yourself:

• Who in my family has shown me acceptance before?
• Who is a good listener?
• Who tends to stay calm in difficult situations?
• Who has my best interests at heart?
• Who can keep this confidential until I’m ready to tell others?

The “Bridge” Strategy

Sometimes the best approach is to tell someone who can then help you tell your parents. This person becomes a “bridge”—they can:

• Help you prepare what to say
• Be present during the conversation for support
• Help explain things if your parents react strongly
• Advocate for you if emotions run high

An older sibling, aunt, or family friend can be invaluable in this role.

If You’re a Minor

If you’re under 18, involving a trusted adult is especially important. This might be:

• A parent or guardian
• A school counselor (who may have mandatory reporting obligations for certain crimes)
• Another trusted family member
• A community organization that helps youth

You shouldn’t navigate this alone, and adults in your life have resources and experience to help protect you.

How to Start the Conversation

Before the Conversation

Prepare yourself:

• Choose a private, quiet time when you won’t be interrupted
• Have this resource or other information ready to share
• Consider writing down key points if you’re worried you’ll freeze up
• Know that you can take breaks if needed
• Have a support person on standby (friend, counselor) you can text during/after

Consider your safety:

• If there’s any chance of a violent reaction, plan accordingly
• Have a way to leave if needed
• Consider having another trusted person present

Starting the Conversation

There’s no perfect script, but here are some approaches that have worked for others:

Direct approach:

“Mom/Dad, I need to tell you something serious. I’m in a situation where someone is threatening me, and I need your help. I was scared to tell you, but I can’t handle this alone anymore.”

With a bridge person:

“I asked [Auntie/brother/cousin] to be here because I need to tell you something difficult. They’ve been helping me figure out how to explain this.”

Focusing on the crime:

“I need to tell you that I’m being blackmailed. Someone is threatening to hurt me/release private information unless I pay them money. This is a crime, and I need help.”

If you’re struggling to speak:

“I wrote this down because I can’t say it out loud. Please read this, and then we can talk.”

What to Emphasize

• You are being victimized by a criminal
• You need help and support
• This is not about blame—it’s about safety
• Many people experience this—it’s more common than they think
• There are resources and ways to handle this

What to Avoid

• Don’t lead with apologies and self-blame (this sets a tone of guilt)
• Don’t minimize the situation (“it’s not a big deal”)
• Don’t make promises you can’t keep (“I’ll never do anything like this again”)
• Don’t accept blame if they try to assign it
• Don’t agree to “punishments” or conditions for help

Sample Scripts for Common Situations

If it started from a romance scam:

“Someone pretended to be interested in me online. They built up trust and got me to share something private. Now they’re threatening to send it to everyone I know unless I pay them. I feel so stupid, but I know I was manipulated by someone who does this professionally. I need help.”

If images/videos are involved:

“I’m being blackmailed with private images. I know this is hard to hear, but I need you to understand—I’m being victimized by a criminal. Whether or not I made a mistake, I don’t deserve this. I need help, not judgment.”

If you’ve already paid money:

“I’ve been being blackmailed for [time period]. I was so scared that I paid them money, but they keep demanding more. I know I should have told you sooner, but I was terrified. I need help to make this stop.”

What If They React Badly?

Initial Reactions May Not Be Final Reactions

Parents and family members may react with:

• Shock and disbelief
• Anger (at you, at the situation, at themselves for not knowing)
• Blame and criticism
• Disappointment
• Fear and anxiety
• Denial (“this can’t be happening”)

These initial reactions often don’t reflect their ultimate response. Give them time to process.

If They’re Angry

• Stay calm if you can—their anger is often fear in disguise
• Say: “I understand you’re upset. I’m scared too. Can we focus on how to handle this?”
• Remove yourself if it becomes abusive: “I need to take a break. We can talk more later.”
• Don’t accept verbal abuse—you came to them for help, not punishment

If They Blame You

• Gently redirect: “I’m not asking you to say I did nothing wrong. I’m asking for help dealing with a criminal who’s threatening me.”
• Reference the crime: “Whatever mistakes I made, blackmail is illegal. This person is a criminal.”
• Appeal to protection: “Right now, I need my family to help protect me.”

If They Minimize It

• Explain the severity: “This person has threatened to send images to my school/work/everyone we know. This is serious.”
• Share resources: “I’ve learned that thousands of people go through this. There are real consequences if it’s not handled properly.”

If They Need Time

• That’s okay. Say: “I know this is a lot. I’m here when you’re ready to talk about how we handle this together.”
• Check in later: “I know we talked yesterday and you needed time. I’m still really scared. Can we please talk about what to do?”

When to Bring in Professional Help

Consider involving a counselor or mediator if:

• Your family’s reaction is making the situation worse
• You feel unsafe or emotionally abused
• Communication has completely broken down
• You need an objective third party

VictimLink BC (1-800-563-0808) can provide referrals to counselors who can help navigate these family conversations.

For Family Members: How to Support Someone Being Extorted

If you’re a parent, sibling, or family member who just learned your loved one is being extorted, this section is for you.

Your Reaction Matters

The way you respond right now will shape your relationship for years. Your loved one took an enormous risk by telling you. They chose trust over silence, even though they were terrified.

What they need to hear:

• “Thank you for telling me. I know that was hard.”
• “We’re going to get through this together.”
• “This is not your fault—you’re being victimized by a criminal.”
• “I love you and I’m here to help.”
• “Let’s figure out what to do.”

What NOT to Say

Please avoid:

• “How could you be so stupid?”
• “You’ve brought shame on this family.”
• “What will people think?”
• “I can’t believe you would do this.”
• “You deserve what’s happening to you.”
• “If you had just listened to me…”
• “I’m so disappointed in you.”

These statements may reflect your shock and fear, but they cause lasting damage and push your loved one away when they need you most.

Understanding the Situation

Key facts about extortion:

• It’s a sophisticated criminal operation, often run by international crime rings
• Victims are deliberately targeted and manipulated
• It can happen to anyone—doctors, lawyers, teachers, teenagers, grandparents
• Shame and silence are what criminals depend on
• Paying money almost never makes it stop
• With proper handling, most situations resolve without exposure

How to Help Without Escalating Danger

Do:

• Listen fully before reacting
• Keep the information confidential (don’t tell extended family or friends without permission)
• Help them document threats
• Offer to accompany them to report to police
• Help secure finances and accounts
• Take over communication with the extortionist if appropriate
• Seek professional guidance together
• Check in regularly on their emotional state
• Be patient—recovery takes time

Don’t:

• Contact the extortionist yourself (this can escalate the situation)
• Pay ransom without professional guidance
• Blast the story to the whole family
• Monitor their every move or remove their privacy
• Use this against them in future arguments
• Tell them they can never use technology again
• Threaten violence against the extortionist (this won’t help)

Taking Care of Yourself

Learning that your child or family member is being victimized is traumatic for you too. It’s normal to feel:

• Guilt (“How did I not know?”)
• Anger (at the criminal, at your loved one, at the situation)
• Fear for their safety and future
• Helplessness
• Grief for their lost innocence or trust

You may also need support. Consider:

• Talking to a counselor yourself
• Connecting with other parents who have been through this
• Giving yourself grace—you couldn’t have prevented this

Moving Forward as a Family

After the immediate crisis:

• Keep communication open
• Don’t constantly bring it up or reference it
• Celebrate their courage in telling you
• Help them rebuild confidence
• Work together on digital safety going forward
• Consider family counseling if relationships are strained

Professional Help for Family Conversations

When to Involve Professionals

Sometimes families need help navigating these conversations. A professional can:

• Help you prepare what to say
• Mediate the conversation
• Ensure everyone is heard
• De-escalate conflict
• Provide ongoing support
• Address cultural and generational dynamics

Resources in BC

VictimLink BC

• Phone: 1-800-563-0808 (24/7)
• Text: 604-836-6381
• Can help you prepare for family conversations
• Can provide referrals to culturally competent counselors
• Confidential and free

DIVERSEcity Community Resources Society

• Serves South Asian communities
• Multilingual services (Punjabi, Hindi, Urdu, and more)
• Settlement, family, and counseling services
• Surrey: 604-597-0205
• www.dcrs.ca

MOSAIC

• Multicultural services
• Family counseling with cultural understanding
• Interpretation services available
• Vancouver: 604-254-9626
• www.mosaicbc.org

South Asian Mental Health Alliance (SAMHA)

• Specifically serves South Asian communities
• Culturally informed mental health support
• www.samha.ca

Family Services of Greater Vancouver

• Family counseling
• Sliding scale fees available
• 604-731-4951
• www.fsgv.ca

Finding Culturally Competent Help

When seeking a counselor, you can ask:

• Do you have experience working with South Asian families?
• Are you familiar with cultural dynamics around family honor?
• Do you speak [Punjabi/Hindi/Urdu/Tamil/etc.]?
• Have you helped families dealing with online crimes or extortion?

School and Community Resources

For young people:

• School counselors can provide support and connect families with resources
• Youth programs at community centers often have staff trained in crisis support
• Some religious organizations have counselors who understand cultural context

The Power of Partial Disclosure

You Don’t Have to Tell Everyone Everything

If full disclosure to your parents feels impossible right now, consider:

• Telling one sibling or cousin
• Sharing that you’re “having a hard time with an online situation” without all details
• Asking a school counselor or youth worker for help navigating family dynamics
• Telling your family you’re dealing with online harassment (technically true) before explaining it’s extortion

Any support is better than no support.

Building to Full Disclosure

Sometimes people find it easier to:

1. Tell a trusted friend first
2. Tell a sibling or cousin
3. Have that person present when telling parents
4. Gradually share more details as trust builds

There’s no rule that says you have to tell everything at once.

What If You Can’t Tell Family At All?

If your family situation is unsafe, or if you have strong reasons to believe disclosure would make things worse:

• You can still get help without family involvement
• VictimLink BC can support you directly
• School counselors and community organizations can help
• You are not obligated to put yourself at risk

Your safety comes first—always.

A Message of Hope

We’ve worked with many families navigating extortion. Here’s what we’ve seen:

• Parents who were furious at first became their child’s fiercest advocates
• Families who “never talk about these things” found ways to talk
• Relationships that seemed damaged emerged stronger
• Victims who thought they’d lost everything found they had more support than they imagined

Your family may surprise you. And even if the conversation is hard, even if there are tears and anger—you will have broken the isolation that keeps extortionists powerful.

You are brave for considering this conversation. You are brave for reading this page. And whatever happens next, you are not alone.

Quick Reference: Conversation Starters

For the victim:

• “I need to tell you something serious. Someone is threatening me online.”
• “I’m being blackmailed. I need help, not judgment.”
• “I was scared to tell you, but I can’t do this alone.”

For family members:

• “Thank you for telling me. I’m here for you.”
• “This is not your fault. You’re the victim of a crime.”
• “We’ll figure this out together.”

Related Resources

• What Is Sextortion? - Understanding the crime
• I’m Being Extorted Right Now - Urgent response steps
• Emotional Support & Mental Health - Taking care of yourself
• Reporting to Police (BC) - How to report
• When the Victim Is a Minor - Special considerations for youth
• South Asian Community Resources - Culturally specific support

This resource was created with input from South Asian community members, counselors, and families who have navigated extortion together. Their experiences inform every section.

Need help right now?

• VictimLink BC: 1-800-563-0808 (24/7)
• Crisis Centre BC: 1-800-784-2433
• Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868

You deserve support. Your family can be part of your healing.